Dear Mr. Leverage,

It has been brought to my attention that you have not read my resume yet. I understand that you have approximately 512 resumes to sift through, and this my friend is a daunting task.

You can read reviews of my resume on both Yelp and CNet and you will clearly see that not only will it bring you proverbial happiness, but I am the ideal candidate for approximately 12% of the open job positions on God's green earth.

If you cannot decode my resume I urge you to use the glasses I supplied you with. I took the liberty of putting them in the glove compartment of your car.

Sincerely,
WHAT THE FUCK

Potato Champion

Category: Food Stands
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Central Eastside

8/27/2009

Okay poutine, yeah great fucking idea. Here is the thing. I pissed in the potato pile.

Fred Meyer

Categories: Department Stores, Grocery
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Hawthorne

8/27/2009

I have done some serious research into who "Fred Meyer" actually is. His original name was William Hoffman. He was of Nazi descent and applied many of the same principles to his stores. Needless to say I will never shop here again, but if you don't mind this fact, Fred Meyer has some great deals.

Domino's Pizza

Category: Ethnic Food

8/27/2009

I kept tipping this young delivery boy a lot... one day I decided to go in to see him in his element. I was very turned on. I offered to pay him 300 dollars to let me make love to him in the back room.

He agreed.

Hollywood Video

Category: Videos and Video Game Rental
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Hawthorne

8/27/2009

R aging good movies.
A wesomee titles
P erfect service
E very day this place is open usually.

T aco truck next store.
H enry is the manager
E arl is a new employee

E ither I am gay or you are
M any people are in here all the time
P lenty of people rent videos here
L over's rent ROMCOM's
O thello is a movie you can rent from this place
Y es I rent movies more than once a week
E ye spit on your grave is a gross movie
E xciting new releases
S ay thank you when renting more than one movie.

Oasis Cafe

Category: Pizza
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Hawthorne

2/2/2010

This place has greasy ass mediocre pizza.

Their prices for gluten free pizza are absolutely ridicolous.

Shutup.

The Gun Room

Neighborhood: Southeast Portland

2/2/2010

Woah people who really use guns use yelp?

Weird.

I went in this place. They told my girlfriend she would get tied up and raped and they would do it on front of me.

She even requested that he not finish telling the gruesome story, but he did.

Appethaizing

Category: Thai
Neighborhoods: Clinton, Southeast Portland

4/1/2010

Great place. Simple, cheap.

I went to Thailand once. Some manboygirl tried to have sex with me in my hostel.

Pizza Roma

Category: Pizza
Neighborhoods: Woodstock, Southeast Portland

4/1/2010

This is the best pizza I have ever had in Portland, hands down.

Anyone who gave it three stars, contact me, so I can punch you in the face.

Tell me what is better than this place?

If you say Ken's I am literally going to make you cry. Ken? Good guy, but his pizza is boring.

He can take that authentic wood burning stove and shove it up his ass.

Pine State Biscuits

Categories: Food, Breakfast & Brunch, Sandwiches
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Belmont

4/1/2010

Yelp is boring now. Of course Pine State is a 4 or 5 from 3 million people. It's fucking delicious.

Imagine if no one knew about it though? No lines.

The owner's probably wouldn't be as psyched, but I am just contemplating here, I don't want anyone to be less rich than they are.

Okay maybe some people.

Powell's City of Books

Category: Bookstores
Neighborhood: Downtown

4/1/2010

After 666 reviews (that is the real number right now I am no goth) what is the fucking point?

"THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I AM GOING TO THAT BOOKSTORE UNLESS IT HAS 845 YELP REVIEWS"

"I really think I have something to add that will be helpful to future customers"

"I had a very unique experience and feel I must share"

WHAT IS IT THAT DRIVES YOU PEOPLE?

Apizza Scholls

Category: Pizza
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Hawthorne

4/1/2010

McDougal thinks you guys are a bunch of stuck up pricks, but I haven't been there so - TBD

Proper Eats

Categories: Grocery, Vegan, Vegetarian
Neighborhoods: North Portland, St. Johns

4/1/2010

Run by hippies with terrible taste in aesthetics.

The food is not well thought out or executed - if plates were 4-5 bucks it would be worth it to fill your stomach but you certainly wouldn't go yelping about it.

There are a lot of dipshit hippies in Portland quit taking it easy on them or Portland will never blossom into a young woman you little pussies.

Safeway

Categories: Grocery, Drugstores
Neighborhoods: North Portland, St. Johns

4/1/2010

I think Safeway as a chain is a great place.

I do not feel safe in this particular establishment.

But whenever I go in I will eat a chocolate covered peanut butter malt ball from the bulk section. 2 if I am feeling risky.

Ken's Artisan Pizza

Category: Pizza
Neighborhood: Southeast Portland

4/1/2010

The pizza is good but it is...

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooo
Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooring.

Movie Madness Video & More

Category: Videos and Video Game Rental
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Belmont

4/1/2010

I love this place but I have a late fee.

Dear Movie Madness,

I will make this 5 stars if you drop the late fee.

Call me.

Perierra Crêperie

Categories: Creperies, Food Stands
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Central Eastside

4/1/2010

1. This place is amazing. I have never had a better crepe in the entire world.

2. Moving on I would like to review the reviewers.

Sasha is complaining about prices. Is she serious? Is she a cat lady? 6 bucks for the best crepe you have ever had?

They are cheaper in France?

Jesus Christ.

Broder

Categories: Scandinavian, Breakfast & Brunch
Neighborhoods: Clinton, Southeast Portland

4/2/2010

If you mentioned Ikea in your review, I hate you.

Anyone seen my dog?

Lucky Labrador Public House

Categories: Pubs, Restaurants
Neighborhoods: Southwest Portland, Multnomah Village

4/2/2010

How do you spell mediocre?

The Waffle Window

Categories: Desserts, Breakfast & Brunch
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Hawthorne

4/2/2010

Dear Portland,

Get a fucking job.

-Alfred

Voodoo Doughnut

Category: Donuts
Neighborhoods: Downtown, Old Town

4/2/2010

Did you guys read this below

"My boyfriend had gotten the cock & balls (chocolate doughnut with cream filling inside)... & let me tell you, I have NEVER seen a heterosexual ever get excited for ordering a penis shaped doughnut before. HAHA, lets just say my boyfriend got "wet" over it. ;]"

That is the dumbest thing I have ever seen.

If you come to Portland and want to avoid the dozens of unique and delicious deserts and get a shitty donut, this is the place to do it!

Bunk Sandwiches

Category: Sandwiches
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Industrial District, Central Eastside

4/2/2010

Heard this place is amazing.

Want to widdle the line down by knocking a few stars off the average Yelpist.

Don't feel like waiting a long time. Food just dwindles in deliciousness as I get more and more mad.

Olympic Provisions

Categories: American (New), Meat Shops
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Industrial District, Central Eastside

4/2/2010

I honestly cannot remember what I got, I was really distracted wondering how many emails were in my inbox.

This place would be better if I got a Smart Telephone or if it had free Wireless-Fireless. Firewire?

Whatever turns on the internet inside my computers.

Burger King

Category: Restaurants
Neighborhoods: Foster, Southeast Portland

4/2/2010

The concept of people reviewing Burger King is just incredible.

You are trying to tell people this might not be a good place to eat?

I think this is the best Burger King in the universe.

Potato Champion

Category: Food Stands
Neighborhoods: Southeast Portland, Central Eastside

4/2/2010

Fries were good but I found a human finger in mine.

Would normally be okay but it was passover, and I am jewish.

Tienda Santa Cruz

Categories: Mexican, Bakeries
Neighborhoods: North Portland, St. Johns

4/2/2010

You people giving this place 5 stars and saying it is cheap are kind of dumb.

Does that make you mad?

Rad Summer

4/2/2010

Hmm.

Apathetic retail workers dressed as hipster indians from a time period never their own?

Kind of a shitty selection but I can see that mass of bright color wearing / electronic music for hipsters crowd finding some real gems here.

Zach's Hotdog Shack

4/2/2010

I was really hoping this plave would not come up as #1 when I entered Hot dogs for Portland.

If you are giving this 4 or 5 star reviews - it might actually be a good idea to delete the reviews, eat good hot dogs and then redraft said review.

However that Hot Dog thing you can take your picture in is kind of cool.

Hollywood Video

There are at least 2 female employees at this location that are Cumt Nuffins.

Safeway

I steal about 50 dollars worth of stuff from this place every time I go in. Let me give you some pointers. Take the products down an aisle without a 'camera'. There is no one watching the cameras at all times. They have to witness you stealing to ask you to stop before you leave the store. Moving on. Down your pants is a good go to. Bring a bag, bring two. When ripping a package open do it down the aisle. Ditch the package far back on the shelf. Put some products on the bottom section of the carriage. Go up to a cashier who looks like they don't give a fuck. Be laughing, with a friend. Great cover. Message me for more pointers.